Family that Works Together, Stays Together

When a family works together, it is to their benefit. It all started with Adam and Eve. They worked together as a family. In recent years, many families don't take the opportunity to work together. Often times, parents are busy at work and children are busy with many different activities. They need to slow down and remember to spend time together. People don't understand the importance of working together and sometimes they become too worried on the money aspect.  

Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless shared an article called, Family Work. It says, "Today many social and political forces continue the devaluation of family work, encouraging the belief that family work is the province of the exploited and the powerless. Chief among these forces is the idea that because money is power, one's salary is the true indication of one's worth. Another is that the important work of the world is visible and takes place in the public sphere--in offices, factories, and government buildings. According to this ideology, if one wants to make a difference in the world, one must do it through participation in the world of paid work."

Parents can make a huge difference if they take the time to work with their children. If all parents did this they could make an impact in the world by strengthening relationships and teaching hard work. 

Sometimes people don't believe a stay at home mom does as much work. They think the mom should be in the work force, which for some families, the mom does have to be in the work force and they desire to pursue a career, but the family benefits greatly when the mother has the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. Also in the Family Work article, it says, "Some have tried to convince us of the importance of family work by calling attention to its economic value, declaring, as in one recent study, that a stay-at-home mom's work is worth more than half a million dollars. But I believe assigning economic value to household work does not translate into an increase in its status or power. In fact, devaluing family work to its mere market equivalent may even have the opposite effect. People who see the value of family work only in terms of the economic value of processes that yield measurable products--washed dishes, baked bread, swept floors, clothed children--miss what some call the "invisible household production" that occurs at the same time, but which is, in fact, more important to family-building and character development than the economic products. Here lies the real power of family work--its potential to transform lives, to forge strong families, to build strong communities. It is the power to quietly, effectively urge hearts and minds toward a oneness known only in Zion." 

Working hard together brings much happiness and satisfaction. It provides an opportunity to communicate with each other. Robert D. Hales once said, "Work together as a family, even if it may be faster and easier to do the job ourselves. Talk with our sons and daughters as we work together." Most little children love to help and this gives them a time to work. Everyone feels good after they have accomplished a task. This leads to happiness. There are many benefits that come from working together. 

Building a strong family takes hard work, and part of that work is teaching our children how to work. Though some may see work as something to avoid, the gospel teaches that working for and with our families brings great blessings. God Himself calls His plan for His children “my work and my glory” (Moses 1:39).

THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR WORK. 

I encourage everyone to work together as a family. Find those opportunities. I'm grateful to my parents who taught me how to work. Looking back, I'm grateful for the time we worked together. 

The Lord's Will

What does the Lord want? How would the Lord want me to handle this situation? There will be conflict in our lives and especially in our families. There will be many times when we have to make important decisions together. When this happens, we should turn to the Lord rather than do what we want and what we think we should do.

The general authorities of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints are great examples of how we can truly invite in the Spirit of the Lord in our lives to make decisions. I think we can all have a similar counsels, but in our homes. The prophet, his counselors, and the 12 apostles have a set apart time to have their meetings every week. They meet in the temple on Thursday. We too can strive to have a set time every week to meet together as a family. We are then able to prepare for that time.

The men always make decisions according to the Lord's will. They start by arriving about 30 minutes early to their meetings to express love and appreciation. This helps them to feel more comfortable with each other knowing each person is important and loved. Elder M. Russell Ballard said, "Leadership based on love brings incredible power. It is real, and it generates lasting results in the lives of our Father’s children."

Next, they begin with an opening prayer to invite the Spirit into their meeting. They invite the Lord to be there with them. They seek revelation. They have a desire to have the Spirit.

They then discuss different topics and they make decisions based on the Spirit. They discuss to consensus. They all come together depending on the Lord's will. They discuss and the Spirit confirms. Sometimes they learn patience as they wait on the Lord's timing. They find what is right, they do not just want to win. They truly learn to align their plan with the Lord's plan. Some topics are a challenge, yet an opportunity.

They end with a prayer and then refreshments. They thank the Lord for his help and they ask for a confirmation about the items that were discussed. They have refreshments. These men have an opportunity to share something together.

We can have similar counsels in our home. We can strive to have them regularly. You can work through problems and conflict as you love and communicate. Rely on the Lord. I know it will be a blessing in your life as you strive to make decisions for your family with the Lord's help. 

Family Crisis

Crisis in the family can have a positive or negative effect on a family, depending on how the situation is handled. A crisis adds stress on the family. Usually when people think of stress, they think of it as a very negative thing, but it all reality, it can be for the good. It can help motivate someone to make changes and get something accomplished. Death, job loss, illness, infidelity, divorce, or drug abuse  are all examples of family crisis. Death can be beneficial for a family if they come together and rely on each other. When mom or dad loses their job, it can hurt the family if they are constantly in a bad mood and won't move on from the situation or they can work out the problem by coming up with a solution and working through it together. Family crisis can help make changes in the family structure.

We cannot expect every crisis to have a positive effect. You have to put some work into it. It all depends on how we react. In the Ensign of February 1990, there was a talk given about dealing with stress and discouragement. It says, "Some experts like to rank stressful activities by the amount of stress they produce. But the truth is, it is more the way we react to events, rather than the events themselves, that causes stress. It is our ability to adjust to changes in our circumstances that determines the degree of stress we feel. It is for this reason that what is stressful for one person isn’t necessarily stressful for another." What are we going to do when our child decides to use drugs? Are we going to belittle them and not help them out? That is a moment when your child will need your love the most. Turn to your husband and other children if you have them. Pull closer together as a family and reach out to that sibling who is a little lost. If dad looses his job, he could turn to alcohol consumption or he could turn to his family and our loving Heavenly Father to get help in saving money and finding a new job. The Lord put us in families for a reason. They can help us through hard times. They should be those people in our lives who love us no matter what. We should strive to be as close to them as possible. We need them more than anything on this earth.

Communication is one of the most important ways in which we can accomplish our goal in getting a positive effect from a crisis. Talk WITH each other rather that TO each other. Along with talking comes listening. Listen to each person's concerns. Get everyone involved when it is appropriate. Not everything has to be up to mom and dad. Children can be involved and help in the process as well.

Another important way we can make positive changes in the family after a crisis is to love unconditionally. Also in the Dealing with Stress and Discouragement talk it says, " After all and above all, our greatest means of supporting others is to love them without guile. That means we learn to see them as the Lord sees them, for their eternal worth as children of God. As parents, we must learn to do this especially when our children seem to deserve it least. If we can do this, despite all our personal weaknesses, we can overcome anything together."

How are you going to react the next time a crisis happens in your life? I hope we can all try to make it great instead of terrible. Do something good! Make a change!

Magic 5 Hours

This week was very informative as we talked about marriage fidelity, intimacy, and teaching children correctly about marital intimacy. We should always be 100% honest with our spouse when we are married. We should never spend too much time and energy on someone or something else. It's also important to remember how sacred intimacy is. It should be saved for marriage. When teaching our children, we should feel comfortable about talking about intimacy and don't expect them to learn about it from someone on the school bus or at recess. Take the opportunity and teach your children. Don't be afraid. It is not a dirty thing it is very special and sacred. There are some great resources on lds.org that can help guide you in informing your children. https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide 

Those were a few topics I wanted to touch on, but I want to focus on one important thing that stood out to me. When a couple is dating, they are with each other quite often, they show affection for one another, and they go on dates often. How do you continue this once you're married? A great solution is Magic 5 Hours. This idea came from John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. These 5 magic hours are the least amount of time a couple should spend together. They set a great foundation.

Partings: 2 minutes x 5 days = 10 minutes

Reunions: 20 minutes x 5 days = 100 minutes
Admiration: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
Affection: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
Weekly Date: 2 hours x 1 day = 120 minutes
Week Total = 300 minutes or 5 hours

Partings refer to the amount of time spent saying goodbye to one another in the morning. You shouldn't have a rushed kiss, instead a sincere kiss and goodbye when one leaves the home for work or school or whatever activities one might be involved in. 

He talks about reunions being the amount if time the couple spends when they return home and are together. They should spend 20 minutes talking about each others days. This helps them know how to help each other better. It also strengthens the relationship.

Admiration meaning complimenting one another, telling each other you appreciate the other, and saying I love you. Spend 5 minutes every single day to do that. It's difficult to be upset with your spouse when you look for the good. 

Showing affection by hugging and kissing. Do it! It will bring you closer. 5 minutes is a tiny bit of your day. 

Last but definitely not least is a weekly date. Friday night seems to work well for most couples. Set aside at least 2 hours to spend time with your spouse. Use the time to reconnect and enjoy one another's company. 

I promise if you use the Magic 5 hours you won't regret it one bit. You will be blessed and find much more satisfaction with your marriage. Share this idea with your spouse. I wish you all the best of luck!

Avoiding the Baby Blues

Research shows that most marriages have a decrease in satisfaction with each child that is born. I think it is hard to completely turn this around, but I think there are ways to improve the satisfaction. When a couple is having a baby, it can strengthen their relationship if they let it. The situation and what they gain is all about what they choose to do. It can be very stressful because it is a huge change. Instead of couples focusing on one another, now they are focusing on a new baby. They are demanding. They need a lot of attention. However, the new child is a blessing. Each couple will either make it one of the greatest blessings or it can be a burden. Again, it is how they handle the experience. I think there are a few ways a couple can make the best of their experience.

1. Involvement. A mother is the one bearing the child, but that does not mean the father shouldn't be involved. The wife can involve her husband by going to doctor appointments together, and buy items for the new baby together. When the baby is moving and kicking, the wife should let her husband feel the movement. This provides a sense of attachment at the beginning. It shows the wife he does care. As parents prepare for delivery, they both need to take classes together that prepare them for the delivery and caring for a newborn.

2. Communication. Often times a husband will feel like his wife no longer cares about him once there is a new baby in their family. The wife also feels like the husband doesn't care. Communication is SO important. They can communicate verbally and non verbally. They need to tell each other how they are feeling, give compliments, do acts of service for each other such as cleaning the house or waking up in the middle of the night with the crying baby. There are constant chores that need to be done around the house. Do it, don't let it get out of hand. Share responsibilities. This shows the couple cares for one another. They do want to help and make each others load lighter. TALK. ASK QUESTIONS. Communication is crucial.

3. Service. The greatest act of service the Savior performed was the Atonement. That great gift shows each of us that he loves us beyond understanding. He cares for us and wants the best for us. Husbands and wives need to continually serve one another like I mentioned above. It shows love and that you truly care for each other. Both husband and wife need to reach out to each other and understand what the other is needing and feeling. When serving others it helps us to forget ourselves and find the happiness in helping each other.

4. Patience. When a husband's wife is going through pregnancy, at times it will probably not be very pleasant because she will be sick and emotions are very different. Even though it will be hard at times, it's important to have patience. Patience with one another. He will have to be patient with her as she is undergoing many changes. She will have to be patient with him because he won't know everything he is supposed to do. He won't know exactly how she is feeling and how to help her with these changes. As both husband and wife show patience they will receive understanding.

5. Selflessness. The husband's needs can be met as he stops thinking about himself and meets the needs of his wife or new baby, and vice versa. A person's needs can be met if they turn their thoughts to someone else and help them. Husbands and wives need to care for each other and their baby. It is no longer about themselves. If they didn't learn that at the beginning of their marriage, they will now that they are having a baby. Parents need to remember that they choose to bring a new life into this world and there will be many sacrifices made and they need to find joy in the journey.